Weeks before viewing Epic Movie, I could be heard telling my family that it simply couldn't be worse than Date Movie, it had to be funny; it was spoofing our favorite adventure movies! If only I knew then how wrong I would be...
Epic Movie opens with an awkward spoof of The Da Vinci Code where orphan Lucy (played by Jayma Mays, desperately and annoyingly trying to be the next Anna Faris) is running through the Louvre when she trips over the body of her adoptive father/curator of the museum (played for some reason by David Carradine. Why, Mr. Carradine? Why?). What follows is a bizzare break-dancing guessing game with Carradine spelling with his body, all while Silas the black albino (Kevin Hart, who should have stayed in the Scary Movies.) approaches menacingly. Eventually Lucy evades the albino and finds a golden ticket in a Wonka bar. In these first painful and confusing moments, my family sat stunned.
I wish I could say the movie gets better, but it doesn't. We soon meet other orphans Edward (Kal Penn) , Susan (Faune A. Chambers) and Peter (Adam Campbell, of Date Movie). Eventually they all get their golden tickets and meet up at Willy Wonka's (Ever creepy Crispin Glover, who I'd actually say would have made a better Willy Wonka than Johnny Depp, considering how that movie turned out). Unfortunately for the orphans, Willy Wonka's secret ingrediant is human body parts. Trying to escape from him, the orphans find a secret cupboard and tumble into Gnarnia. From there on, the film follows extremely closely to the plot of The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe while borrowing heavily from Superman Returns. Edward meets up with the White Bitch (Jennifer Coolidge, a name I always groan at when I see it in the credits) who tries to get him to betray his fellow orphans (whom the Da Vinci Code reveals to somehow be his siblings). Eventually the orphans head to Hogwarts to receive training to battle the White Bitch. Afterwards they travel on to meet up with Aslo, who helps them to free Edward in one of the film's only funny segments. Together the orphans defeat the White Bitch with the help of the remote control from 'Click'.
The movie has barely any chuckles, let alone genuine laughs. The only parts worth watching for are Fred Willard as Aslo, Kevin McDonald as a 50-year old Harry Potter and Darrell Hammond as Captain Jack Swallows. Most of the jokes and MTV/music video segments in the film just go on way too long, even if they were funny to begin with. The editing is disconcerting at times and in the end the entire film is just an unfunny mess. The ending credits outtakes roll is practically funnier than the entire film.
All in all, while I can't say it's the worst film I've ever seen (It's Pat has that honor), it's certainly one of the worst spoof films. Do yourself a favor and just watch Spaceballs or Airplane! for the 78th time.
1/5 Stars
86 Minutes
PG-13
